"Bless our house and its heart so savage."

So done today. Already.

Not even nine hours of sleep in two nights.

Collection call right on time, as they have been every day for over a week, for a car that I don't drive. MY car has no payments. Never should've done it.

I need to start working on my spiritual fortitude; get it back to where it was, because it was strong. Stronger than it had ever been. First time in my life I don't have enough trust to fall back on it, and that hurts. Missed Mass more times in last few months than probably in whole life.

Little blessings. Joanna Newsom is coming to DC! I get to see my favorite harp-playing musical master.Only someone truly gifted and truly crazy in that perfect way a truly gifted person is could create 17 minute ballads where the vocals barely stop...all help together by that marvelous harp (and her backing band, in that's song's case). Also, some of my other favorite songs that are in the normal 3-4 minute range, though just as brilliant.

I don't like fighting. When I do fight, I like winning. In most fights there are no winners or losers, though, and everyone just ends up worse for wear. I awoke with horrible images on my mind, followed by a continual flow of horrible images from my past. I've seen the worst of humanity, and I was...am...angry about being treated paternalistically, as though an amateur or a child in my exposure to man's cruelty to man. Perhaps it's not anger and perhaps it is. I like to think I have this great understanding of my emotions, but it isn't true. Half the time they move faster than I can keep track of, so right when I think I know how I feel, I'm already late to the party. Assumptions of a whole group based on the actions of a few are wrong, but so are assumptions of an individual based on what you think you know about them. As I said, most times in fights, everyone is wrong and everyone loses.

Sometimes I feel like I've irrevocably damaged my mind. I have so many segments to my life that they seem like different lifetimes. I've known and experienced so many good and wonderful things and people and so many bad and horrible things and people. I feel disentangled from so much of it though. It's a fog I can't penetrate. I don't remember things I should remember about people and events in my life. I feel like there are things I've done that I just don't remember. That's one reason I hold onto so much stuff, because without the physical evidence to remind me, I lose the story. I've always done so, so perhaps this has always been with me. When I cleaned a ton of my "hoarder-ish" stuff out of my room at home before moving in with Nolan, I took a picture of each one, because I need it to remind me what happened with each of those things. Should focus on feelings of contentment with what I had from when I got the penance not to drink, watch tv, play video games or eat superfluous food...if I could remember them.

So, I'm tired, my credit is being actively hurt and I'm not even doing anything, I'm lagging in my relationship with God, I can't remember things that I wish I could, I'm recovering from a fight where nobody won, and I should be working diligently right now. I do, however, get to see Joanna Newsom in March, making that the next foreseeable event in my future filed in the 'awesome' category.

And I am in love. And to quote you, you cheer me up by your very existence.

Andrew Largeman: and I like you.
[Sam, embarassed, giggles]
Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.

Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.

Rebuild. Reboot.

"The clocks were asleep and
Asleep's how we found them
We found them and wound them again
But they didn't last us 'til morning,
A warning-
That you never should force
Mechanical things
They're not meant for hardship
They'll snap if you
Tighten and wind them
And pry them and try"

- Regina Spektor