(e)Motion Sickness and Remedies

We have changed a lot and then some some

Know that we have always been down down

And if I ever didn't thank you you

Then just let me do it now

-311-

My brother back in rehab. After the last stay, I cannot say I'm surprised. His personal situation as he was entering and leaving the first time and second time was totally different. The first time, he was able to make the decision to go in himself, and seemed to have a strong personal investment in his maintained recovery. He was doing well at his job and seemed to have a good core group of sober friends. They would have poker nights at each other's apartments. He went to meetings constantly, even during family parties if he had to.

The second time it took an intervention, and his dedication to recovery was for the sake of those he supported more than himself, I think. Maybe that's what submitting is, for an alcoholic: wanting to be better for your sake. It must be terribly hard for a father not to keep his kids always at the front of his mind, but part of that has to be totally for himself. (ended on 1/21)

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I guess it's been almost two weeks since I started this post, so now he is out of rehab and in a sober house. I picked him up at rehab three days ago. I had to get up slightly before 6 AM to do it, but I got there. Of course, the last road I came up, which is some nothing road on some nothing mountain in Carmel, NY, is CLOSED TO TRAFFIC in the opposite direction when we go to leave. That was fantastic, considering the only other ways to go pointed right at SOME GIANT LAKE. Heh. It was an adventure that took us through the bronx and all over, but it was a good chance to listen to some music and talk with him before he starts the next phase of his life.

And I salute the life he lead, for all of it's excitement and uniqueness: spinning records for huge crowds, going to raves under the brooklyn bridge for new years, all the places he's lived, the Navy, all the insanity. I got to share in some and it was great. But accepting it as great, it's also a time that is done now. It cannot and should not be re-lived...it was great the first time, and you only get one go-round at that lifestyle. Reclaiming it as this stage only leads so many places.

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Ok. So, Thursday now.

Doing as well as can be expected I suppose. Have had really good talks lately with Nick and my dad and with you. Keeps my head above water. It's just been so much, compounded with the sleeplessness and massive amounts of driving I've been doing. The concern of others and the "how've you been doing?"s where I can tell the person is actually interested has been a good pillar.

Maybe I could take a lesson from AA. I really need to stop trying to figure out everything at once and just take it 'a day at a time' on some level. I like to plan ahead, thus the reason for looking at apartments now when I can't move for 6 months. However, this gives rise to a feeling that I'm not living where I'm living. It's like my apartment has become an expensive hotel...like I don't really live there. Not totally, but I never say "I'm going home," I always say "I'm going back." It's so weird not knowing anybody around! I really ought to make an effort to not just sit around these last months. There has to be some kind of Alexandria legacy outside of "So yeah...lived in Virginia for a year." Will have to work on that. Crime fighting maybe?

And then there's you. I don't know what I'd do without you. In the past few weeks we've both had to deal with a lot, and there were times when frustration strait peaked, but we never let it get in the way of being there to be strong for the other when they needed it. That's so important. The ability to prioritize something like emotions is a fantastic attribute for a couple to have. Being annoyed but being able to put that on the backburner for a little while, or being worn out but still rallying when the other needs to get out, or feeling frisky but being able to wait because the other just wants to snuggle up and fall asleep with you. I really think we're great at that.

And vulnerability...well, that's just a new and interesting thing. When you look at me and just..know. I've never been so comfortable being so readable. It is a comfort and a relief to know that I don't need to be like "everything's crazy and I don't know what to do and yaddddddda yadda" before you know something's wrong with me. It's just great.

And I can't wait for Valentine's Day, even if it is a hallmark holiday. I can't wait to get dressed up with you and eat good food and drink fancy drinks. I know every day should be a day where you tell the ones you love how much they mean to you, but I can't wait to have you on a day reserved for lovers. I'm so glad 'we' are 'us'. I can't wait for you to be my Valentine.

veni, vidi, scribsi